Okay. I am not a camper. My idea of roughing it is staying in a hotel without room service. Unfortunately? The Hubs is a camper. sigh. So I’m all “okay I’ll go camping with you. I love you and this could be something we could enjoy together.” Right. As if.
Anyway. Our little, tiny, weeny sports car was loaded. By loaded? I mean crammed full. After we lubed up and squeezed ourselves in? We drive from Vegas to Bryce Canyon. The drive? Was spectacular. The tent pole poking me in the back of the head the entire time? Not so much. We finally get to where we (the Hubs) wants to go. Our little, tiny, weeny sports car? Not so good at off-roading.
The Hubs finds the perfect spot. He sets up the tent. He sets up the camping stove. He finds rocks to encircle the campfire. Our campsite? Was a campsite to behold. Well, it would’ve been if we had been in a campground and there were other people around to see it. We? Are in the middle of the woods somewhere in Utah.
The Hubs: Why don’t you go find some kindling for the fire?
Me: Some what?
Hubs: Kindling. You know? Like little sticks that’ll start on fire quick.
Me: Oh. Like branches that fall off trees and shit?
Hubs: Yes. (sigh)
So I’m all off on an adventure to find some sticks. Just dancin’ around the woods, singing Disney songs. What? Back then all Disney movies were in the woods. Shut up.
Then? Out of nowhere? A snake crosses my path. I’m all screamin’ and jumpin’ around and tryin not to wet my pants. The Hubs finally notices my fit and comes to see what’s wrong. (again – sigh).
Me: A snake! There’s a snake under that bush! It tried to bite me! It’s HUGE! DO SOMETHING!!!
The Hubs picks up a stick and is all poking around in the bush.
Me: Be careful! I’m not takin’ down this camp shit and draggin’ your bitten ass to the E.R.
Still pokin’ the bush. And then? I see movement under the bush. This snake? Came slithering out of the bushes, slithered over the Hubs boot, and slithered away. Also? This snake? Was about 10 inches long. Oops, my bad.
Me: Oh. I guess it wasn’t as big as I first thought. Sorry.
The Hubs: Um yeah. I can’t believed you freaked out over a baby rattlesnake.
Me: WTF??
So later that night? After s’mores and shit? We are in the tent. Which is on a tarp. Which is on the ground. My sleeping bag? My 7-up bag from when I was a kid. Not so thick and comfy. Or safe. I spent the entire night awake listening for bigger slithering. Because I knew? That baby rattlesnake slid right over to his mama and told him I was all tryin’ to get him killed. Mama rattlesnake was gonna come get me. I just knew it.
The next morning? The Hubs asks me how I slept. Ha.
Me: I didn’t.
Hubs: Why not?
Me: I was waiting for mama rattlesnake to find me.
Hubs: Don’t be ridiculous.
Me: Honey? There are times? When it is perfectly okay to lie to your wife. Yesterday? Would’ve been one of them.
Hubs: Okay. It was just a little garter snake. Better?
Guess how many times I’ve been camping with him since? Jerk.
And THAT is exactly why I DON’T like to go camping anymore. Yuck, yuck, yuck! Once I see a snake, I have the eebie jeebies until we leave. Very entertaining story – enjoyed reading about someone else camping!!! =)
yeah. i don’t camp anymore.
besides the snakes?
i’m too old to be sleepin on the ground!
I will not go camping. Ever. Don’t like it. Hate tents, peeing and pooping in the trees, or worse yet icky gross restroom/porta potties. Nope, nada, not this girl. Motel here I come. And IF they force me, I sleep in the car.
I didn’t realize you were from Utah. So am I.
i’m from minnesota. you’d think i’d like camping and boating huh?
we were living in vegas (the hell-hole of humanity) at the time.
peeing and pooping in the woods?
i’ll leave it to the bears. And? the people who are dumb enough to like camping.
I stopped camping ever since that time I packed up the tent, drove home and found a BLOODY HOOK HANGING FROM MY CAR DOOR HANDLE.
Yeah, that shit will put a stop to being outdoorsy real quick.
snort.
i have a friend who hooked himself in the head.
my idea of outdoorsy?
the beach with a cabana boy bringing me drinks with umbrellas in em.
I’m not even a fan of camping in the living room with my three year old.
You never know what scary thing is going to come scratching at the tent flap in the middle of the night.
Bill collectors, maybe. Or ex-wives.
*shiver*
you camp in the living room?
my living room? has been home to black widows in the past. yes…the real spider.
I sometimes? camp out in my bed.
with the mac, the kindle, and the remote.
Can I borrow your life for a while?
I promise I’ll give it back.
No, really.
Maybe.
you can borrow it.
just remember? i have to work ALL day on friday.
and? i need it back by the 9th of september.
i’m goin to meet the hubs in moscow for some russian vodka and sex.
As long as you bring me back some Russian vodka, please.
Because it’s the best vodka in the world.
That’s a fair trade for letting you have sex with your husband, I think!
right about now?
i would give my left boob to have sex with the hubs.
but i might need some vodka first to dull the pain?
Vodka cures everything.
Well, except wildly horny.
You’re on your own with that one.
too much vodka?
can definitely kill wildly horny.
sigh.
You must drink considerably more than I do then.
Or I have just got a wicked horny tolerance.
I have no idea what I mean by that.
But I’ll bet if I can figure it out it will be totally awesome.
lemme know when you figure it out, k?
Can do.
I’ll leave you to banter with Kris now, as I’ve got to go back to work and continue my shift in the salt mines.
Y’all have fun!
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
Nigel is everywhere!
I haven’t been camping since meeting Mark. Mark does not do bugs, snakes, or wildlife of any sort. He requires a flushing toilet, a roof over his head, and an actual bed with sheets and blankets.
Mark is a huge baby.
And if we had somehow been out in the woods with you, and a rattlesnake of any sort were to have appeared?
Mark would have run screaming from the woods, arms flailing.
He’s all manly that way.
I am allowed out of the house sometimes unsupervised, thank you very much.
Sheesh.
as am i.
but only with a day pass.
and i?
can never again in my life use a hot glue gun without supervision.
You may go wherever you like.
I just get freaked out when I see you out of context.
And with clothes on.
Ummm . . . that last message was for Nigel.
Although, Cathy?
You are free to remove whatever you would like to remove.
We are out here in the wilderness, after all.
All wild.
i knew there was a reason i love mark?
he’s all indoorsy like me.
flushing toilets, roof, sheets?
good things.
peeing and pooping outdoors?
not.
Yes!
Mark is all indoorsy.
Snort.
First, I love your header picture!
Second, when I was growing up my dad caught a baby rattlesnake and kept it in a jar on top of the fridge for weeks, to teach us about snakes. My mom wasn’t a fan.
Third, I had a Doritos sleeping bag…I’ll bet it was made by the same company. 🙂
Fourth, I wouldn’t go camping again either!
in a jar on the fridge?
that’s crazy!
and i bet?
our sleeping bags were relatives…
Exactly why we now have a trailer to camp in. This girl is not waiting around for a snake to come and eat her! Besides I need my microwave. 😉
nope.
not even in a camper.
i will not do it with a bear…
i will not do it on a dare.