Okay. So it’s Thanksgiving Day. And I? Have about eleventy-billion things to be thankful for.
Can I find even one to mention here?
Spent the morning cleaning house with the hubs. Okay. I’m thankful that he helped with that.
Then he disappeared. To take a shower, which I didn’t know he was gonna do yet. Because we still had some shit to finish up with.
And he knew I wanted to finish these things.
And I exploded.
Totally over-reacted (as usual). Spewed anger and bile and hate everywhere.
I am not fit for human company.
So he went to the neighbors with the turkey and broccoli and I stayed home.
I’m trying really, really hard not to run away. Running away sounds like such a great idea. As in: “Let’s avoid any more confrontation because you obviously do not know how to deal.”
Or to put it like my therapist would put it: “Run away and avoid dealing with your feelings because that’s what you do. Just bury your head in the sand until the “problem” goes away.”
True. I avoid my feelings at all costs. I would rather walk on hot coals than “feel.” I have managed to live 40+ years of my life stuffing my feelings and don’t really wanna feel ’em now.
According to my doctor and my therapist I am in the “anger” stage of grieving. According to them I am grieving the childhood I never had. And they are right. I am fuckin’ pissed off. I deserved to feel safe as a child. I deserved to feel loved and cherished and adored. I deserved to have people (read parents) notice me. And take care of me. And keep me from harm. And not harm me themselves.
And so now I’m taking that anger out on the people I love most. And I feel like I have no control over it. It happens so suddenly that even I’m taken by surprise. How do I harness these feelings? How do I have control over my own reactions?
I’ve been told that I have to “go through the pain” to get past the pain. Well shit. What the hell does everyone think I’ve been avoiding for all my life??!! I don’t want to “go through the pain.” I feel like I already went through that. But the “adult” me knows that I didn’t go through the pain of my childhood. I stuffed those feelings so deep that only now are they coming to the surface. What I wanna know is? Why can’t they stay buried? I was doing okay. Not getting too close to anyone. Not allowing anyone to hurt me. Not living the fullness of life that I know God wants me to live. Okay. I get it. I just don’t wanna do it.
People? Pain hurts. And I have not allowed myself to “hurt” for a very long time. I’m terrified of what I might discover about myself if I let it hurt. I mean what if I really am a bitch and not the nice person everyone has believed that I am? What if people find out the truth about me and my life and decide that they can’t be friends with me anymore? What if it hurts so bad that it kills me?
I know I was a kid. I know that nothing that happened to me was my fault. So why am I so ashamed and embarrassed?
Gotta stop. Feeling things and can’t have that.
Won’t run away but I do think I’ll go to a movie.