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Archive for January, 2011

The Assignment

It sounds so simple.  Let the hubs dust.

The hard part?  Don’t move anything he’s moved to dust for an hour.

Is this a control thing on my part?  I used to think so.  The hubs and the therapist still think so.

But I’m not so sure anymore.

Lately it feels more like a “if you really loved me” kind of thing.

If you really loved me

  • You would know how important it is to me that everything is in its proper place.
  • You would notice how I do things and be able to do them on your own when I can’t.
  • You would understand why I explode when I’m feeling unseen or unnecessary or unneeded.
  • You would understand why I feel like I have to run when I’ve hurt you.
  • You would understand why, instead of screaming out my pain, I had sex with any boy who asked, why I did almost every drug that was available, why I drank myself into oblivion every weekend, why I would take a razor to my wrists over and over and over again to release some of the pain.
  • You would understand why, after finally hearing my silent screams and sending me away instead of dealing with me, it’s hard for me to forgive.
  • You would understand why I stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as I did.
  • You would understand why your excuses for your lack of attention hurt me so deeply.
  • You would understand how inappropriate your behavior was.
  • You would own your abuse and neglect of me.  You would take responsibility for your actions.
  • You would apologize and ask, maybe beg, for my forgiveness.

I did make it for the whole hour before I had to go and put back into place all the things the hubs had not put back correctly.  But it wasn’t really the things being out of place that was bugging me.  It was the “if you really loved (noticed, cared about, etc.) me.”

So maybe it’s a control issue.

But maybe it’s not.

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