My First True Love

On October 16, 1983 I met my first true love.

All six and a half pounds of her, with her head full of silky brown hair.

She was so beautiful. She still is.

She literally took my breath away. She still does.

I loved her with all I had and with all I knew.

I was so young and so unworldly and sometimes so incredibly stupid.

But I loved her with all my heart. I still do.

I made many, many mistakes. Mistakes that I have owned and come to terms with and forgiven myself for.

Mistakes that I have asked for forgiveness for. I have apologized over and over for things I’ve done that have hurt her. Many, many times.

I am fearful that she is damaged by some of my mistakes. Damage that, until she seeks out help, will destroy her.

I am afraid to be to close to her. I am so filled with anxiety when I see her, I feel like I am walking on eggshells in order to not set her off.

And it can be the smallest, most unexpected thing that can cause her to turn into someone I do not know, someone who is so incredibly selfish and demanding and petty and hateful that it breaks my heart.

Her anger can slice me open and drop me to my knees.

I am terrified that she does not have the capability to empathize with others, to see the hurt she causes with her anger, to understand the effects her rage has on the people she lets it loose on. Especially those who love her the most.

She puts on a good act for others, co-workers, friends, acquaintances. But to those who love her, who have always loved her, who will always love her, she lets her true colors show.

And it kills me. Knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her. That she would reject any offer of help I made. Because she is convinced that she does not have a problem. It’s everyone else who has the problem, who does not understand her, who does not value her.

I have been telling people lately that God is growing me. And it’s so painful. And I’m trying to listen. And I have learned…nothing will bring you to your knees, and keep you on your knees, before God faster than your children.

“Please God. Please be with my daughter. Surround her with your mercy and your grace and your love. Show her, through your example, how to be merciful and graceful and loving to others as You have been to her.”